Bitter

You cluck disapproving of my score
shame covers my face
I am relieved at your old computer
and the lack of webcam
my voice masking the shame
that my face could not
my lack of confidence showing more than ever

These situations are a complicated book
where all the plot lines are intermingled
and I'm only the reader
these things do not involve me
vivid and emotional
but are in no way mine

In a different circumstance I'd call for help
proving to you that I can use my phone
but disproving your theory of importance
the state of now
it is not importance
it is survival

You reek honesty with me
being open almost immediately
but I
I hide behind bigger secrets,
sharing half and calling it done
letting you believe I am open

I'm not

A part of me asks
if your so perceptive then why can't you help me
realize that I'm
hurting
bleeding
dying
and save me

Such things are unfair
for you are a busy person
Sunday shift in the morning
walks at night
otherwise

I fear no amount of papers
parchment or English
will matter in the long run
you've made it abundantly clear that there are
others

I am replaceable
interchangeable

"Never make someone a priority if you are just an option to them."
But here I'm in need and alone
and it's hard not to feel bitter

Your so loving though
to everyone
but I can't feel it
I am numb

This is not your fault
you did not make me sick
you did not hurt me
maybe it's a combination
of the vegetarianism
which you don't believe
and the depletion of fluids
but I can't stop shaking

And I am totally alone.

(P.S. Sorry for murdering your butterfly)