Vindicated

From my fingers spit words
angry and depressed
but I want something happy
hopeful

There is more to me than
my roommate
my sexuality
my enemies
my disorder
there is a person

A girl to be exact
who likes fairytales
good ones where the princess escapes
where she is so happy that she doesn't even need a proper ending
just a rushed wedding and the knowledge that she is free

This girl
this half princess
part pauper
piece jester
and fraction knight
likes to laugh
saving fictional video game characters in good company
drinking coke zero which is manly
or an equally silly adjetive
hysterical as in an attempt to play any sort of board game
even those that are as basic as don't eat the dice
playing Candy Land while manic in the lobby of my dorm
pretending to be a french fry walrus
which I will still deny in polite conversation

Even if all I do is take pictures
I am so much more that that

I am joyful
singing poorly into my hairbrush
with thirty minutes until class
and half dressed
so I run up the hill in chunky heels
no make up
hair half-brushed
not regretting my decision for a moment
because that song is always too perfect to skip
and hairbrush singing is a mood lifter

I am stubborn
wearing my dresses when it is fifty
fighting scarfs until my hands are numb
the begrudgingly taking it when offered again
when really I'm dying from excitement
at any prospect of warmth
and walking to meetings
off campus
where there is no sidewalk
and it's night
refusing to show my fear
until a terrified call at a gas station
where my voice betrays me
showing the fear I had been feeling the whole time
scolding myself before anyone else can get the chance to

I am energetic
staying up overnight with a friend in need
ignoring finals
trying to cheer him up
and successful through Mario Kart
and Mario Party
playing and talking until our fingers and eyes were sore
never noticing we were both crying
continuing to race as if it could save our souls
maybe it did
because by seven we didn't remember the sad
just racetracks and jokes

I am clumsy
in a way that I pray is adorable
because no other way would it be acceptable to break fountain drink machines
only to have someone magically fix it
tripping up stairs
and falling off of chairs
only to catch myself at the last possible second
trying to play it off smooth
as I am enlightened that I have been found out
I was seen
with a light-hearted chuckle lightening the mood
from crimson to the pale pink of my cheeks
the color I turn when embarrassed

I am alkward
spelled with and L
because that's how I say it
making inconvenient movements while sleeping
mispronouncing important words
fishing and fisting are only a letter off
but to your choir director it's a huge letter
feral and pharaoh are also close
but in similar company the effect is
far less traumatic
and allows me to enjoy it more

I am me
and if you don't like it
I'm going to have to ask you
to get the fuck out of my life

But trust me
most days
I am worth it
plus some.