Sounds

Boys kissing
making the sounds of fish
as they pull apart slowly
then fiendishly attack each other again
is a sound of my life
amusing
even if affection frightens me

Droning teachers
the lessons I am no longer
capable of listening to
so I try to take notes
but instead I just draw terrible stick people
saving my energy for more pressing matters
this sound while not unpleasent
is pestering

Clicking keys
texting furiously
helping a friend
make that plural these days
is another frequent sound
more stressful that the first
and much harder to ignore

By far the worst sound
is nothing
silence deadly to the soul
and sleep being toxic
I stay awake
mocklying telling myself
that the blue of my eyes
is accented by the perpetual bags
which no base can cover

The sound of nothing
drives me insane
no longer a term I can loosely use
due to a friend
if we venture to call her that
in psyciatric care

In a sick way
I'm jealous

Jealous of the break she can take from life
not only allowed
but encouraged
to shut out the outside world
to better herself
to be at peace

Only made worse
by the knowledge that I could go
take a month off
or a semester
or forever
that I am ill enough to go away
but that would be failure
and I would be unable to live with
the expectations I have shattered

While my pedastool is not high
the fall would still be painful
humiliating
unacceptable
degrading

My concerns are no longer for my health
which is so far gone the fight is useless
they are for others
friends who are ill
worse at hiding it
friends who wear their sickness

I will suffer
telling snippets of my life
feeling guilty for honesty
the overwhelming majority of my time
I will suffer silently
letting no one be privy to my life
making it obvious to others
that I am hurting

That silence being the most comforting thing
better than fish kisses
and droning
and clicking
and nothing
that silence means no one knows me
really knows me
and I am safe from the insight I willing give into others lives

The sound of hypocracy
is the sound of ignoring advice I give others
a sound I hear far too often.