Hope

I see you keep my blog open
in the back tab
which scares me
because while I acknowledge your importance here
it is not a conversation I wish to have verbally

Not now
you have your own problems
caging you with guilt
from something you are just watching
is the opposite of my intention
I wish to inform
bring the issue into light
it only took me four months
and fear as a motive

I'm trying again
starting over
as my hands shake tracing lightly in washable pen
not wishing to set my standard too high
if I can win for a day
just during the daylight
if I frequently wash my hands
then there is hope
from daylight
to a day
to a week
to a month
to a year
to freedom

Freedom from being apprehensive
which is just code for what I want to do
the words being too terrible to type
there is one thing that solves apprehension
and it is not appropriate to do
in a best friends apartment
or really anywhere
but I will continue
until I am saved
or there is nothing left

Do not worry for me
I will be fine
he won't
worry for him
he has yet to see the problem

Someone else will come for me
in time I will
I am my hope