Perfection

You opening up
has me thrilled
and terrified

I'm flattered you trust me
and your actions are beyond my scope of understanding
you learned why
your eyes like saucers
huge
unable to focus
you blocked it out from earlier
and I understand why

You
for the first time in
four months
make sense
your actions framed by the past
clinging to those younger
to guilt stricken
to speak
of drunken nights and comrades
you
alone
humanizing a demon
my demons
our
demons

By far
this being the most terrifying
you are the nicest person
ever to speak to me
working me over hurdles
ironically
having no idea they were from similar situations
being my first comfortable hug in years
something he took away
and you gave back

While the past is frightening
and in a beat-up truck
I had to fight to keep calm
let you finish
not interrupt your second coming out
this being more important to gender preferences

I could never be angry with you
I am not perfect either
No one is

Perfection is the best mix of imperfections
and you have that mastered

The Giver

To give
to provide a service
something I frequently do
for no charge
to expect nothing in return
a present
even if I'm energy drained
and already eaten

I give my reasons for giving
stating them slowly
not really believing them
but my motormouth would betray me
so I slowly say words
carefully thought
perfectly enunciated

I will also
eventually
and most importantly give
one day
I'll do it silently
and not a soul will know
I will cave in to the pressures of giving
but first I will give everything I have

Sounds

Boys kissing
making the sounds of fish
as they pull apart slowly
then fiendishly attack each other again
is a sound of my life
amusing
even if affection frightens me

Droning teachers
the lessons I am no longer
capable of listening to
so I try to take notes
but instead I just draw terrible stick people
saving my energy for more pressing matters
this sound while not unpleasent
is pestering

Clicking keys
texting furiously
helping a friend
make that plural these days
is another frequent sound
more stressful that the first
and much harder to ignore

By far the worst sound
is nothing
silence deadly to the soul
and sleep being toxic
I stay awake
mocklying telling myself
that the blue of my eyes
is accented by the perpetual bags
which no base can cover

The sound of nothing
drives me insane
no longer a term I can loosely use
due to a friend
if we venture to call her that
in psyciatric care

In a sick way
I'm jealous

Jealous of the break she can take from life
not only allowed
but encouraged
to shut out the outside world
to better herself
to be at peace

Only made worse
by the knowledge that I could go
take a month off
or a semester
or forever
that I am ill enough to go away
but that would be failure
and I would be unable to live with
the expectations I have shattered

While my pedastool is not high
the fall would still be painful
humiliating
unacceptable
degrading

My concerns are no longer for my health
which is so far gone the fight is useless
they are for others
friends who are ill
worse at hiding it
friends who wear their sickness

I will suffer
telling snippets of my life
feeling guilty for honesty
the overwhelming majority of my time
I will suffer silently
letting no one be privy to my life
making it obvious to others
that I am hurting

That silence being the most comforting thing
better than fish kisses
and droning
and clicking
and nothing
that silence means no one knows me
really knows me
and I am safe from the insight I willing give into others lives

The sound of hypocracy
is the sound of ignoring advice I give others
a sound I hear far too often.

Box Cutter Boy

Without passing judgment
due to your current state
you passed it all the same

I am horrible for my acts
I understand that
such things are blinding
the weapon not withstanding

Let's make a deal
box cutter boy
I'll stop when you stop
and I won't call you horrible
or taunt you
such things being unbecoming

Further more
besides these words
I will try to forget these feelings
being an outcast among outcast
crushing my hopes of your understanding

Let's swap poisons
jackets needed for both
shame involved in each
they aren't that different
we could be the same

But I'll live with my consequences,
while trying to shield you from yours.
The outcast forever giving
in hopes of salvation.

Home

Playing nice
no longer regulated to the playground
such rules follow into the house
some damage irreversible
eighteen years unable to be expunged
hiding like roaches
crawling in the dark
hiding in the light

Skin itches at the thought
of being friendly
and at new wounds
fresh from unrelated incidences
mock concern for spider bites
useless
as are bribes
and threats

Locking the door
protected from you
and drunken girlfriends
the later run into your arms
hiding from misguided backlash
words meant for a more sinister object

Your daughter was not missed
you missed a plaything
an idea
a running target
the dog being unacceptable
teeth gnarled
ready to snap
refusing to become your object
your daughter a coward
bows to others will
without second thought

Fear her enemy
she waits until she is returned
to where she belongs

Anything different must be inherently bad
this being a basic rule of humanity
things not understood are frightening
and should be avoided
at all
costs

My Dear Friends

Long live the King
Long live the Tyrant
Long live the Lily-Livered Bastard

Long live committee questioning
Long live four hour meetings with no point
Long live playing politics

Long live refusing to cooperate
Long live attacking others
Long live hurtful emails

Long live group census
Long live ignoring the board
Long live amending the constitution

Long live fleeing the scene
Long live running with your tail between your legs
Long live the King

Hope

I see you keep my blog open
in the back tab
which scares me
because while I acknowledge your importance here
it is not a conversation I wish to have verbally

Not now
you have your own problems
caging you with guilt
from something you are just watching
is the opposite of my intention
I wish to inform
bring the issue into light
it only took me four months
and fear as a motive

I'm trying again
starting over
as my hands shake tracing lightly in washable pen
not wishing to set my standard too high
if I can win for a day
just during the daylight
if I frequently wash my hands
then there is hope
from daylight
to a day
to a week
to a month
to a year
to freedom

Freedom from being apprehensive
which is just code for what I want to do
the words being too terrible to type
there is one thing that solves apprehension
and it is not appropriate to do
in a best friends apartment
or really anywhere
but I will continue
until I am saved
or there is nothing left

Do not worry for me
I will be fine
he won't
worry for him
he has yet to see the problem

Someone else will come for me
in time I will
I am my hope

Leaps and Bounds

Better
is a relative term
used by politicians and doctors
on budgets and patients
that aren't looking well
no hope of survival
but not as dismal as before
but still broke and dying

Better is something not used to describe people
and there problems
there is no sliding scale
saying I am better to me
means I'm not dying
and to others means I'm taking care of myself
which I am not
I'm just being more careful with the problem

Saying you're seeing leaps and bounds of progress makes me a skeptic
we're both sick
we acknowledge that
but it seems that we can only see the good in each other
and the bad in ourselves

Consumed

The idea of being babysat is appalling
especially to a college student
but I write this from a friend's couch
where I was watched all night
because I am "dehydrated"

The lie almost works
seeing my face has lost color
and I can't think
or speak
or walk
without having a bit of a stumble
embarrassing myself

While trying to sleep
five in the morning at this point
a friend told me that I should never
be ashamed of being sick
it wasn't like I brought this around

Not having the energy
nor the mind compactly
fighting those words seemed useless
I feel asleep in a lie
letting people believe I was good
if that would help them believe humanity
or sleep halfway decently

I ought to be ashamed
that I do this
that I wish to do it again
that right now
on a friends couch
it is all I am thinking about

I am comsumed

Vindicated

From my fingers spit words
angry and depressed
but I want something happy
hopeful

There is more to me than
my roommate
my sexuality
my enemies
my disorder
there is a person

A girl to be exact
who likes fairytales
good ones where the princess escapes
where she is so happy that she doesn't even need a proper ending
just a rushed wedding and the knowledge that she is free

This girl
this half princess
part pauper
piece jester
and fraction knight
likes to laugh
saving fictional video game characters in good company
drinking coke zero which is manly
or an equally silly adjetive
hysterical as in an attempt to play any sort of board game
even those that are as basic as don't eat the dice
playing Candy Land while manic in the lobby of my dorm
pretending to be a french fry walrus
which I will still deny in polite conversation

Even if all I do is take pictures
I am so much more that that

I am joyful
singing poorly into my hairbrush
with thirty minutes until class
and half dressed
so I run up the hill in chunky heels
no make up
hair half-brushed
not regretting my decision for a moment
because that song is always too perfect to skip
and hairbrush singing is a mood lifter

I am stubborn
wearing my dresses when it is fifty
fighting scarfs until my hands are numb
the begrudgingly taking it when offered again
when really I'm dying from excitement
at any prospect of warmth
and walking to meetings
off campus
where there is no sidewalk
and it's night
refusing to show my fear
until a terrified call at a gas station
where my voice betrays me
showing the fear I had been feeling the whole time
scolding myself before anyone else can get the chance to

I am energetic
staying up overnight with a friend in need
ignoring finals
trying to cheer him up
and successful through Mario Kart
and Mario Party
playing and talking until our fingers and eyes were sore
never noticing we were both crying
continuing to race as if it could save our souls
maybe it did
because by seven we didn't remember the sad
just racetracks and jokes

I am clumsy
in a way that I pray is adorable
because no other way would it be acceptable to break fountain drink machines
only to have someone magically fix it
tripping up stairs
and falling off of chairs
only to catch myself at the last possible second
trying to play it off smooth
as I am enlightened that I have been found out
I was seen
with a light-hearted chuckle lightening the mood
from crimson to the pale pink of my cheeks
the color I turn when embarrassed

I am alkward
spelled with and L
because that's how I say it
making inconvenient movements while sleeping
mispronouncing important words
fishing and fisting are only a letter off
but to your choir director it's a huge letter
feral and pharaoh are also close
but in similar company the effect is
far less traumatic
and allows me to enjoy it more

I am me
and if you don't like it
I'm going to have to ask you
to get the fuck out of my life

But trust me
most days
I am worth it
plus some.

Bitter

You cluck disapproving of my score
shame covers my face
I am relieved at your old computer
and the lack of webcam
my voice masking the shame
that my face could not
my lack of confidence showing more than ever

These situations are a complicated book
where all the plot lines are intermingled
and I'm only the reader
these things do not involve me
vivid and emotional
but are in no way mine

In a different circumstance I'd call for help
proving to you that I can use my phone
but disproving your theory of importance
the state of now
it is not importance
it is survival

You reek honesty with me
being open almost immediately
but I
I hide behind bigger secrets,
sharing half and calling it done
letting you believe I am open

I'm not

A part of me asks
if your so perceptive then why can't you help me
realize that I'm
hurting
bleeding
dying
and save me

Such things are unfair
for you are a busy person
Sunday shift in the morning
walks at night
otherwise

I fear no amount of papers
parchment or English
will matter in the long run
you've made it abundantly clear that there are
others

I am replaceable
interchangeable

"Never make someone a priority if you are just an option to them."
But here I'm in need and alone
and it's hard not to feel bitter

Your so loving though
to everyone
but I can't feel it
I am numb

This is not your fault
you did not make me sick
you did not hurt me
maybe it's a combination
of the vegetarianism
which you don't believe
and the depletion of fluids
but I can't stop shaking

And I am totally alone.

(P.S. Sorry for murdering your butterfly)

A Message From GaGa

My roommate just sleeps in her bed
letting the day wash over her
with the covers over her face

Sunlight does not touch our room
she retreats at the sight
The room is bare
boring
banal

Her and I are from different worlds
education included in our few ties
and this room.

She eats
sleeps
lives here
where I only pass through
refusing sleep
having my meals elsewhere
avoiding her

Her huge hoop earrings crowding our vanity
where she is vain
and I am sloppy
rubbing base on my face as I run down the stairs
tripping some
she carefully applies her eyeliner
and places each individual hair
then slowly walks out
no rush

She calls me Lady GaGa
to insult me
and I just smile
knowing in my world that is a compliment
and in hers I am a freak

Her world is not worth living in
she stands for nothing
falls for anything
is too strong to cry
but not strong enough to escort
a boy
or two
out of her bed
that is not strength

She is not too strong
she is not strong

Repent

The demon is repenting
silently praying for forgiveness
but banished
away from good
away from help

An attempt to pay penance
but confessions are neglected
no amount of sacrifice
could redeem these
sins
save this body
this soul

The demon recoils
reevaluates
retries

The fall from heaven is too far
to survive unbroken

Dead

I am a butterfly murder.
I create,
then destroy.

Friends that were rich like chocolate
go sour,
like lemons.

Demon,
he called me.
I wrote it down.
Never to forget it.

Everyone will know that I am demon.

Poison

My father's house is poison, it seeps into my body and attacks. My bones are full of poison when I leave, my marrow tainted. I resolve to fight, or try. I have antibodies. Friends who offer their marrow for my safety, replacements. My father's poison does not work on them. They are safe. Safe from all evil. They protect me. With antibodies, I will try to fight.

Post-it

I trick people into thinking
I'm fun,
then I bore them
to death.

Sincere condolences,
The Calendar Girl

Belief

Long ago I believed in
Santa and fairies
but I was just
a kid

I believed in you
and your ability to protect
but you let me
fall

you hurt me
broke me
stole
me

I believed