Hollow

Having nothing left to live in
except hollows of memories
I retreat into myself
remembering
accidentally lovely things

A dear friend whom
after I crashed a sleepover
woke up in the morning
to play doctor with makeshift supplies
lovingly being driven to Lake Jackson
getting me to talk
speak in bits
after sitting
stone cold in the passenger seat
drinking hot chocolate on the way home
doing more good than he could ever understand

A voice teacher
having too much faith in me
nudging me on regardless of the let down
encouraging me to practice
not to get better
but because you were invested
to the point of tears
at the end of
every successful run
promising
in naivety
to study Vaughn William's
Silent Noon
more than Whitacre's
A Boy and A Girl
slowing down to impending
as you choked out the last prayer
almost overshadowed
pianissimo
"The song of love"

The time my father came to school
screaming through the choir door
forcing the director to stop sight reading
to listen to one of his own be ridiculed
the next day begging me to confess to child abuse
my lips remaining sealed
running into the night
scared for my life
sleeping on my best friend's porch
until her sister nudged me awake
and moved me to the couch
becoming a ritual
a safe haven

A cake made for an anniversary
not a notable one
maybe a month
at most two
covered in pink icing
fresh strawberries adorning the top
only to be plucked off before lunch
by the lady in waiting
not worrying about calorie concerns
a rare moment of being a functional couple
in midst our teen angst

These all hollow with age
passion for life
turns into distrust for humanity
wide-eyed wanderings
into squinted suicide attempts
after
memories
and scars
I am left without a thing.

Not even the best boys
can stay forever
doctor kits run out
as does patience
not without good reason
none being the givers fault

Voice teachers can't get you into
music school
rejection is painful
no amount of emotional involvement
can fix a botched audition

Directors do not find bruises and scars
and call the police
they kindly turn a blind eye
as if a grandparent
or neighbor
not wishing to disturb your piece

Girlfriends do not stay yours forever
they change
move on
cheat

Everything changes
except you
you are stationary
incapable of the change you need most.