Cardboard

Being ignored is nothing new to me
you were not the first
nor will you be the last
these things will not effect
my view of you
or our relationship
I will effect
or is it affect myself
I was never good with words
maybe it is both
effect my view of myself
being an intangible
and affect
to influence
water affects cardboard
wearing holes in it
steady drops tearing it apart
and I affect myself
with pain
and effect myself
with words
because you could never be as cruel
or as full of hatred as I am
toward myself

Let me apologize for hurting you
or whatever wrong I have done
I am not a sorority girl
nor will I
have the same traits
my face
not pristine
nor is my body
but I am here
always
trying to talk to you
help you
but you cannot help an unwilling victim
you will not push me away
I will not lose this fight

You may leave me if you wish
make that call on your own
but I will not be the one to step away
making me a person I hate
leaving a person without a safety net
I will take care of your sick boyfriend
for he is my friend
and has done much for both of us
ran himself into the ground
but I am only so capable
night make me weak
wanting to stop makes me weak
being unable to stop makes me weak
I can only take care of one person at a time
and he needs me more
than I do
at this particular instant

Not that I believe you still read this
because if you can't respond to a message
then you can't read a blog
in case you aren't filled in
she doesn't like me
I'm a good second choice
dinner is still on
but as friends
and I want out
never seeing her again
shielding myself from inevitable heartbreak
I want you here
to comfort me
assure me that I'm worth this mess
that I won't be alone forever
but I'll wait
keeping my hands busy
and my mind numb.