Wolf

Hold my hands
promise me

this place is safe
your dizziness
will not envelop you
blood will remain in your veins
and not spill unto the floor
Red will not be devoured by
Wolf
the have-nots will not tear into me
leaving trails of stories
on and around me
this place is safe
I am safe

These reassurances will not escape your mouth
I forbade them
banished to rot
forgotten
suffocating
may Wolf
feast on
broken promises
and
torn flesh.

Promise

Promise me you'll never leave
I'll make you break it
You have to go
Let me struggle
Leave me alone
I am always right
There is no help for me
You are leaving for your sanity
It took less than a month
For me to pity you
Gift you a lifejacket
Sending you safely to shore
Maybe you'll come back
I always half-hope they will
But not one has returned
See your exit and take it with grace
I learned from you
And love you for trying
But I can't be saved
Life without Harm
To distant to imagine
I'm not dead now
But what if stopping kills me?

I'm not at a point to disagree right now.

Cardboard

Being ignored is nothing new to me
you were not the first
nor will you be the last
these things will not effect
my view of you
or our relationship
I will effect
or is it affect myself
I was never good with words
maybe it is both
effect my view of myself
being an intangible
and affect
to influence
water affects cardboard
wearing holes in it
steady drops tearing it apart
and I affect myself
with pain
and effect myself
with words
because you could never be as cruel
or as full of hatred as I am
toward myself

Let me apologize for hurting you
or whatever wrong I have done
I am not a sorority girl
nor will I
have the same traits
my face
not pristine
nor is my body
but I am here
always
trying to talk to you
help you
but you cannot help an unwilling victim
you will not push me away
I will not lose this fight

You may leave me if you wish
make that call on your own
but I will not be the one to step away
making me a person I hate
leaving a person without a safety net
I will take care of your sick boyfriend
for he is my friend
and has done much for both of us
ran himself into the ground
but I am only so capable
night make me weak
wanting to stop makes me weak
being unable to stop makes me weak
I can only take care of one person at a time
and he needs me more
than I do
at this particular instant

Not that I believe you still read this
because if you can't respond to a message
then you can't read a blog
in case you aren't filled in
she doesn't like me
I'm a good second choice
dinner is still on
but as friends
and I want out
never seeing her again
shielding myself from inevitable heartbreak
I want you here
to comfort me
assure me that I'm worth this mess
that I won't be alone forever
but I'll wait
keeping my hands busy
and my mind numb.

Lost

I am lost
lost in a place I don't understand
lost alone
alone without another soul
surrounded by onlookers
no one lost with me
just watching
spectating on my choices
my methods.

I regret opening up to them.

They don't understand me.

Words

If bodies could tell stories
I'd like to imagine
mine would tell you
that I am not worth the breath expelled
in shallow breaths
not worth the energy wasted
creating new plasma
which will soon be destroyed
not worth the scabs
that cover my arms
or the material that cover my scabs
and the hateful words
I cling to
writing them down
in sloppy shorthand
maybe I'll show you sometime
when I'm better
and steel
looks incapable of hurting me

But now looks are like daggers
cutting me into pieces
as if I haven't done enough damage
which I haven't
because I'm still feeling
still here
as much as I wish I wasn't
if I could hide behind my jackets and jeans all year long
no matter how much I detest the fabric
I would live a more pleasant life
but such things are not allowed

I ought to suffer
let the words come to life on my skin
let them overcome me
words I take from opinions of me
mine and others
but mostly mine
3/5 mine
2/5 someone else
making it so my body doesn't even belong to me
I'm a slut and a demon
because of boys
who taught me to think as such
and lesbo for an uncomfortable truth I've eased into
accepting myself
and fuck-up for ignoring girls who needed me there
and most recently hopeless
for disappointing too many
different boys
who I should be strong for
but I am unable to

Maybe next time I'll write something good
if anything comes to mind.

Nine Shades of Useless

My sociology class knows me well
studying suicide rates
in environments I'll never live in
never to touch their soil
I'd live in Russia though
or a similar
but also Russian country
under oppression
with seventy successes
out of every 100,000 people
and I feel I should be helping them
instead of writing stupid poetry
my feelings are a waste of space
I want to bury myself in work
close the windows
lock the doors
hide from everyone
those I can't say no to
urging me to run
escape those who remind me of myself
playing house with a cold
or cancer
buying a wig so all anyone knows
is that
something is wrong
never what
is wrong
my.
underlying.
issues.
do.
not.
concern.
you.
but I'd take help with symptoms
if that would be possible

Freeze

Acknowledge this please
muffled cries for help
weakly begging
my mask betraying me
conforming to my face too well
becoming my skin
not that there is much left
maybe that's the motive
to remove something face
imaginary toxins
these are not new to you
but I am still defenseless
you do not have the strength to fight my battles
as well as your own

Freeze

Ask me questions
becoming the first
reclining
streetlights shining by the end
sharing bits of our stories
reserving hospital beds
one without flesh
the other without blood
always on red or higher
become the first to ask me to stop
staring in wide-eyed horror
seeing scabs
"make me proud"
after you down food
eating bites of terrible cake
pouting as I steal the check
smirking as I botch a lie
my straighter never so hated
cheering me up
screaming on a bridge
singing songs you didn't know
until you opened your mouth
posting feelings on a truck
not the one who saved us
from talking dolls
no buttons needed
things are easy with you
no concepts
just actions and memories
but I did not make you proud
I will never make you proud

Freeze

Tell me lies
knowing nothing
never stopped you from trying
nor me
from trying to fix
or judge
overnighters rendered meaningless
my brother-in-arms should understand
you honorably discharged
moving on to wars with pot
alcohol
and working out
while I fight juvenile battles with blood
which you are so sure you've won
liar
sharing music
I must scare you
the idea of me
how bad it can get
being this out of control
so reckless
wasting gauze and tape
you make me feel inhuman
making me an animal
gnashing my teeth
catching my tongue
clamping down
refusing my opinion
the blood not being a draw back
you cannot save me
you cannot even help me
humanity becomes me
I will help you
to gain goodwill
but you shall remain silent

Freeze

Ask me nonsense
am I okay?
am I hurt?
am I bleeding?
these questions
are meaningless
the answers being
no
yes
and if I'm not I want to be
every single time
without fail
you mean so well
giving me your number
to call anytime
but I'd first die
than disappoint you
we are not yet close
that close
close enough to be unashamed of my actions
but we can sing together
both asleep in the choir loft
make our countries go to war
talk frivolously
let's not go deeper
not yet
I'll care for you while drunk
without hesitation
but please don't care for me
I will hurt you

Freeze

The Last Day of Januaury

I'm feeling for the first time
in months
since summer
I have been numb
unfeeling
now I'm crying
over something as silly as a girl
who may or may not like me
crying over life
my sick friend
who almost died
secrets I shouldn't know
boys who I try so hard to nurture
who don't have the time of day for me
or my patheticness
which isn't even a word
proving I'm a moron
this girl dragging up scary memories
asking me to remember faces
then half flirting with me
broke me