If your not going anywhere
and you still love me
why do I feel so alone?

Attention

Stand up straight
smile
put on your mask
let it become your skin
stretch the material
make it work
become nice
pretty
intelligent

Hide your demons
stuff them into the closet
never peaking
lock the door
run as far as you can

you attention seeking whore
always asking for something else
when really all you want is forgiveness
from them
or from you
allowing yourself to be
but such things do not bode well

Let me project it somewhere
or else it will eat me whole
this attention seeking monster
list your grievances
let me make you comfortable
I'm done taking about myself
things are too messy
I'll simply wish them away
or store them in a jar
buried in the backyard

Demons don't hide forever,
they are much more frightening
as their owner cowards in fear
proving to be worthless again.

Stay

You are a terrible little girl
grown into a worse woman
a weed with deep roots
too deep to pull out of the ground
plaguing your yard
your sidewalk
your life
but I've come to realize that in my terribleness
there was no chance for someone to love me
only bad here
unstable evil
screaming at times
crying at others
I wonder if anyone
could ever possibly stay

Not that it is deserved or earned
so you will have shame
and embarrassment
banished to the corner
like the terrible girl
you've always been

BPD

Loneliness
fear of abandonment
impulsive self-destructiveness
storminess in relationships
inability to achieve intimacy
these symptoms have become my life
try to reach for a helping hand
to find your going to be smacked instead
then left to the floor
where someone may one day find you
and take pity on you
but that day is not today

today you will feel guilty

today you will feel worthless

today you will skew reality
as you have so many times before
realize that there is no comfort for you
even storybook character struggle
and you are giving in without a fight

Make new friends
fake it for them
become close
cling
become angry
confess love
rinse and repeat

This is your new life
new state
new town
hide your demons
and run

Love

The lack of trust I feel
is killing all of my relationships
killing me
alienating me from
the ones who love me

but if they loved me
would it really matter?

Quick Change Disease

My flesh remains untorn
for a month
maybe more

It's hard to recall
certain time and dates
but the holes stay
tearing into my hands
little bites from nails

bandaids to cover
not that it helps
they heal no faster
sting no less

but that was the intention
was it not
to sting yourself alive
if you aren't starving yourself to death

quick change disease
from torn flesh
to no flesh
razors exchanged for
a porcelain thrown

it matters not the disease
as long as it hurts
stings
no need to bleed
my hands stay pot-marked
my arms stay scarred
my stomach shrunk
less canvas to paint
in the event of another
quick change disease