Envy

Envy. The little green monster. Green, the color of lettuce. The only thing I eat anymore. I was always jealous of his body. Always. How can you be friends with the boy who seemed to be so skinny without any effort? He was rail thin. He was coveted. He was wanted.

And all I ever wanted were those things. I just wanted everything he had.

Unfortunately the only thing I picked up from him was an eating disorder. I know someone can't give you bulimia, but they can sure hurry the process along. He whispered to me how he skipped meals, and I witnessed him leaving the bathroom after meals, smelling of acid. Cigarettes kill urges. I learned all the tips from him. Drink water. Don't buy food. Work out. Avoid meals. I learned from the best. He who does not want to recover.

Let me tell you a secret though, I don't either.

I will never be thin enough. I tell myself at the start that when I lose ten pounds I will be happy. So in two weeks I lose ten pounds. No big deal. I just followed the guru. But guess what? I felt hollow. Only ten pounds, that's nothing. It wasn't even ten percent of my body weight. It was nothing. I looked the same. I felt the same. The only difference is I went down a pants size. I couldn't see it though. I still felt like the same girl as when I started.

But now I was a failure. Now I wasn't good enough. Now food seemed sinful. I always thought about becoming an extremist religion where the people beat themselves so I could get away with cutting and scratching without being wrong. It seemed like a perfect fit. But now with the starving, how would I explain that? Lent. For Lent (which I don't really celebrate) I will give up food. Beat that you pious bastard. So what you gave up caffeine or liquor? I'm giving up food. For forty days.

But Lent isn't year around, and even my thin friend eats occasionally. But somewhere, in the sick reaches of my mind, I want win. I want to be the thinnest. Little miss perfect with the sharp collar bones.

I don't want recovery. I want thin.

Alone

Once you realize
that no one cares
if you live or die
you start to cut ties
relationships are useless
they serve to remind you that you are alone
people you held dear
leave
rather quickly
they can't stand to be
near you

You are a monster
a starving bleeding monster
who makes good people leave
and bad people stay
deserving every cross word
every moment ignored

Calories

Jumping jacks
jump rope
jogging
these are my least favorite things

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
except sugar free ice cream
and the sickly way
it splashes
during frantic purges
fingers scarred
throat sore

Rinse the acid from your teeth
swallow water
when hungry
if starving
drink more

Food is the enemy
or maybe it is you
sweat pants to hide the loss
no one needs to know
your not thin enough
to have a real problem

You are just playing games
and counting calories
in vain

Hunger Strike

Walk a mile
eat a meal
purge a meal
drop a size

Repeat.

The risky business
of bile and aerobics
losing weight
burn a pound

Fast
hunger strike
time to die